


Lead Me To the Garden

by pandorabox82



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:08:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26990401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorabox82/pseuds/pandorabox82
Summary: Erin decides that the perfect time to announce that she's still alive and coming out of WitSec at Alex's retirement party. Will things go as she planned and hoped?
Relationships: Alex Blake/Erin Strauss
Kudos: 4





	Lead Me To the Garden

Erin checked her watch for the hundredth time as she took a few deep breaths. Once she had settled on this course of action, after a decade spent dead to everyone in her past life, she had known that it would get harder and harder to convince herself that she had made the right decision – both in staying away for so long, and in coming back at a time like this. It was supposed to be all about Alex, after all, and she knew that there was most likely the distinct possibility that Doctor Reid or David might show up to honor her. Still, she knew that she had to take this opportunity to see Alex one more time. Sighing, she stepped out of her car and made her way up the drive, tugging on the sleeves of the cardigan she had brought with her when she had entered the Program all those years ago. It had been Alex's, from when they had worked together with the Bureau, and she had never been able to get rid of it, since it reminded her of the best times of their relationship.

There were so many cars lining the street and drive that led to the Miller house, which set Erin ever more off kilter, since that meant there was a very real possibility that her appearance would cause a scene, and she drew in a long, deep, breath as she raised her hand and knocked firmly on the door. As she waited on the porch for a response, Erin began to pace back and forth, trying to tell herself that this was not a mistake, that Alex would understand everything, that life would finally start getting back to normal now that she could officially be out of the Program and living once more.

Finally, the front door opened, and a man who looked so much like Alex that it stole her breath away appeared in the doorway. "Can I help you?" he asked, and she nodded a little, trying to find the right words to form the question she wanted to ask.

"Scotty? Who's arrived so late? I thought that all our guests…"

Any hope of Erin being able to actually say anything died when her eyes locked with Alex's. As she watched, the other woman's face drained of colour as she brushed past her brother to step out onto the porch. "I'll distract everyone," Scotty said quietly as he closed the door, leaving the two of them alone on the porch.

"I suppose that I've turned into a party crasher now, Alex," she said quietly as she took a seat on the swing, pushing it back and forth with her toe as she waited for the woman to react in some way other than silence. Still, the silence extended into an uncomfortable length, and she finally dared to look up and see that Alex had moved to stand in front of her, silent tears rolling down her cheeks. "I shouldn't have come."

Erin went to get up, only for Alex's arm to shoot out and push her back down onto the swing. "I always wondered where that cardigan went."

"You left it behind at my house when we were working on that case. I always meant to give it back, but then I destroyed any chances of that happening when I cut the rope out from under you. But I held on to it as a reminder of what we once were to each other, and in remembrance of you." Erin looked away from Alex and cleared her throat as she tried to keep herself from crying even harder as the woman took a seat next to her. And then, Alex was reaching out and Erin flinched away unconsciously, not knowing what her intentions were.

"I'm not going to hit you."

"I guess I'm still jumpy. I'm sorry. I've messed this up completely." The tears that she had been trying to hold in started to roll down her cheeks. This time, she allowed Alex to reach out and wrap her arm around her shoulders and pull her close to her side. "I just wanted to come celebrate your retirement from Harvard. I finally graduated from the Program, and you were the only one that I thought of coming to see."

"I should tell you to go and fuck yourself, you know."

"I know. I deserve that."

There was another long stretch of silence, and then the front door was opening once more, Scotty peeking his head out to look at them. "Are you and your friend going to join the party anytime soon?"

"In a few minutes, Scotty. Keep everyone distracted, yeah?"

"I'll try, Allie." The door closed once more, and Erin sighed as she pulled away from Alex, certain that she was about to be told that she was not welcome.

"You always jumped to the worst conclusion, Erin. It's been nearly forty years, and you're still doing it."

"Because I learned, early on, that when it came to me, I should expect the worst. This one time, I forgot about that, and I think that I was wrong to do so."

Alex removed her arm only to pick up Erin's hand, squeezing it tightly, which caused Erin to look into her face, frowning deeply. "So, in five minutes, you've judged me and found me lacking because I didn't react in exactly the way you wanted me to?"

She nodded, suddenly feeling small at her actions. "I guess I haven't changed all that much, even though I thought I had." Again, she tried to get up, wanting to flee and regroup in a hotel room. If there was one even available. Erin managed to get to her feet, only to have Alex follow her a millisecond later pulling her over to the front door and then inside the house. She was surprised with how quiet it was, since she knew that there were a number of people there. "Where…?"

"To the garden. Dad has everything set up back there, since it's a beautiful night."

Erin swallowed as she nodded, even though Alex couldn't see the motion. "I'm sorry. I just seem to keep hurting you. The worst thing that I ever did was what I did to you." Alex stopped them in the kitchen, looking into her eyes before shaking her head lightly. "I'll never make it right."

"You've carried that grief and guilt for too many years, Erin. And you weren't here to make it right, so how can you know that you never will until you do show up?"

She didn't have an answer for Alex, and she used that silence to give her a tender smile before she dragged Erin out the door and into the backyard. Erin tried not to blanch when every eye gathered there turned to look at them, feeling like she was a butterfly pinned to a board, unable to move or even blink. "Alex! You didn't tell me that we were still waiting on one of your friends!" Damon called out as he approached them, two bottles of beer in his hands.

"I didn't know if Erin could make it or not tonight, Dad. And she doesn't drink, so we only need one of those bottles," Alex said as she took hold of the bottle closest to her, putting it to her lips and drinking a large gulp of beer. Erin watched the way she swallowed, feeling her core clench at the sight. "Come on, I'll show you where the food is, you have to be famished."

"I don't know if I can eat anything," she murmured in reply as she allowed Alex to guide her over to a table that was so filled with food Erin wondered how much would be left over at the end of the night. "Oh, is that your father's famous barbeque?"

"Only the best for his daughter," Alex said as she picked up a plate, letting go of Erin's hand in order to fill it. "What else would you like?"

"You know me. Choose some things that you think I might like. Truly, I don't think that I could pick anything." Alex nodded as she filled up the plate with things that Erin knew she'd like, the thought that Alex could still remember her tastes after so much time had passed helping to dispel the thoughts in her mind telling her that Alex despised her still and that this impulsive choice had been a mistake. "Thank you," she said as she took the plate from her hands, picking up the fork and starting to eat purely out of politeness. Alex nodded, looking like she was about to say something, only for one of her guests to pull her away into a conversation with a small group of other guests.

Not knowing anyone there, Erin slowly drifted over to a large oak tree that was strung with white fairy lights, slowly eating her food as she watched the other people talking and laughing. She picked at her food, finding it delicious but truly having no appetite. As the party continued on, Erin soon found herself watching as Alex moved gracefully between her guests, though any time that she tried to get to her side, someone diverted her, which caused Erin's heart to sink further down in her chest each time until she was close to crying once more. Finally finding herself full, Erin brought the plate over to one of the trash cans and threw it away before picking up a bottle of water and drifting back over to her tree and watching Alex once more.

"She'll be occupied all evening, you know."

Erin looked over at Scotty and shrugged a little. "I showed up uninvited, and I don't think that your sister has much to say to me that would be appropriate in front of all her friends and family. I mean, she didn't even know I was still alive until about forty minutes ago." She gave him a pained smile before turning her gaze back to Alex once more.

"You're that Erin, then."

"I'm sorry?"

"I always thought that Alex had been pining for a very different Erin, since your name was often in her conversations, though I don't think she ever knew that she brought you up quite so much. It's like she unconsciously couldn't get you out of her head." She glanced at Scotty from the corner of her eye when he rested his hand on her upper arm. "If you're not going to be brave, then why did you come?"

"Because I," she sighed deeply before looking at the ground, "I thought that it might be like a movie, and everything would be perfect or perfectly wrong. This limbo is so much worse than I ever imagined it might be. It might have been better if I had just stayed dead to everyone but my children." Hot tears blurred her vision once more, and Scotty patted her arm once more before he murmured something to someone nearby.

"We never get a perfect Hollywood moment, Erin. But perhaps I can give you something akin to that?"

The haze of her tears lent a dreamy glow to Alex's features, and she nodded slowly as Alex encircled her waist and pulled her close to her chest, so that their bodies were touching from breast to thigh. Her tears ceased as she continued to look up into Alex's eyes, watching them soften. A bloom of hope began to open in her chest as she began to smile tremulously, and Alex nodded as she lowered her head and kissed Erin gently as her hands spread out on her back, holding her close as the kiss lingered on. "In front of all your friends?"

Alex chuckled as she nodded. "If you have the courage to come here, not knowing how I would react, but hoping that I might treat you kindly, then I can have the courage to kiss you in front of all my silly friends. You wore my cardigan, which tells me that you still thought of me fondly. Everything has been conspiring to separate us this evening, but I thought that you might come to my side and talk to me, but you never did. You just watched me, as if you thought that was all you had the right to do." She slid her hand up Erin's back and buried her fingers in her hair, pulling her back in for another kiss. "It's easier to get the awkward kissing out of the way now, so that we can be tender later."

She nodded slowly as Alex took hold of her hand and led her over to the circle of friends that she had just left. "I didn't know that you were seeing anyone, Alex. You swore that you had given up."

"Ah, Kathy, then you weren't listening very carefully. I said that I had given up on men." Alex tightened her grip on Erin's hand. "How is the work on your dissertation going?"

"Quite well, thank you." As the woman started to drone on about what she was working on, Alex began to tap out a rhythm on Erin's hand. It took her a moment to realise that she was using their old code, and she nodded imperceptibly before tapping slowly back, as the code came rushing back to her mind. They exchanged a knowing smile as Alex drifted closer to her side, bumping their hips together at random times as Kathy continued to blab on about her current work. Parts were quite fascinating, but Erin felt like she had checked out of the conversation a good five minutes after it began.

Music suddenly began to play, and Alex's hold on her hand momentarily tightened before relaxing, and Erin glanced over to see that Scotty and Alex's father were giving them mischievous smiles. "I suppose that's our cue to start dancing?" she murmured as Alex guided them over to the oak tree once more, positioning them in the middle of the trio of trees that were lit up.

"My family thinks that they have the right to meddle in my affairs," Alex replied before pulling Erin flush against her body as she started to sway in time to the beat. "I haven't gotten better at dancing since our time in the Academy. I'm sorry."

"What's there to be sorry for? I'll just be the one with the better sense of rhythm," Erin teased before laying her head on Alex's shoulder, allowing her to lead them, even though she was the better dancer. "There's always something so magical about white fairy lights on trees. David decorated his backyard like this for Jennifer's wedding, and everything felt so right about that night. And then, in the space of one short year, everything went to hell."

"Sometimes you have to go through hell to find heaven," Alex murmured in her ear before pressing a quick kiss to the outer edge of her cheek. "Hopefully, we can escape back into the house soon enough. We need to talk."

"I know." Erin sighed as she tightened her arms around Alex's waist. "I was extremely presumptuous and left my suitcase in my car. I guess you really can't take the BAU out of a woman."

"Did you rent a hotel room?"

"No, not for tonight. I told you, I was presumptuous and didn't plan for an eventuality where we didn't talk. If you had rejected me on the porch, I would have started for home, and found somewhere to spend the night along the road."

"That is not the Erin I knew."

"I changed a little in years between when you saw me last and now. It is rather freeing to have a new life stretch out before you and not be expected to fill the role of resident ice bitch." Alex hummed a little beneath her breath as one of her hands slid down Erin's back to rest on the swell of her ass, the gesture so familiar and possessive. "The last time I saw you dance, you were in James's arms, and I was sitting at the head table in a gorgeous dress because you didn't want to see me in some hideous maid of honor ensemble."

"I knew that you weren't crying tears of happiness that evening." Alex pulled her ever closer, and Erin nodded as the whole world around them seemed to fade away to just the music and their heartbeats. She would have been content to stay there in Alex's arms for the rest of the evening, but soon the music ended and they pulled away from each other to see that the only people still left in the backyard were her family and one or two friends that were helping to clean up.

"Oh, so you finally peel yourself away from each other when everyone's gone and most of the hard work is done," Scotty said as he came up to them, smiling widely. "Dad said that you forgot to lock your car door, Erin, and he brought your bag up to Alex's room. It's too late for you to go anywhere, and since there's a convention this weekend, there's no free hotel rooms."

"Scotty, really? You and Dad are too much!"

"It's sweet, Alex. They're looking out for us."

Alex rolled her eyes a little before taking hold of Erin's hand. "Well, then, since you all seem to have this under control, I'm going to show Erin up to our room for the evening. I think this goes without saying, but don't disturb us until we've had our morning coffee." Scotty's laughter followed them into the house, and Erin kept her grip tight on Alex's hand as she was led through to the stairs, tripping up after Alex and trying not to fall, since she didn't know the pattern as well as the other woman did. "I love them, I really do, but they think they can run my life, still."

"He's your daddy, Alex. He'll always try to do the best for you," she replied as they entered a small bedroom. "This is so cosy."

"Scotty and Danny had the larger room, since they had to share. And it's further away from everyone else, as the bathroom separates us from their bedroom." Erin nodded as an embarrassed flush stained her cheeks. "We're women in our sixties, Erin. There is nothing to be ashamed about when it comes to sex."

"I know that, but I was never as open about that side of me. You had such a large personality, and I was always shyer. I think it's because you had brothers to tease you and pull you out of your shell, and I was an only child. And you know that my mother never talked to me about sex. It was hard enough to talk about my period with her."

"Mmm, I remember that conversation, yes." Alex brought her over to the bed and gently pressed down on her shoulders. Erin took the hint and say on the mattress, looking up at Alex. "I'd never had to explain how to masturbate to another person before. That was more than a little awkward."

"For both of us." Erin pulled the halves of the cardigan together over her breasts as she watched Alex root around through their bags for something, only to stand up triumphant with nightgowns moments later. "I'll need my toiletries kit, too, Alex."

The woman nodded before crouching down to rummage through her bag once more, tossing the bag to her once she'd found it. "If you want to go get changed in the bathroom, I'll strip off in here and then brush my teeth when you're done."

"Okay." Erin grabbed the nightgown from Alex's hand, caressing her hair gently before heading next door to the bathroom. As quick as she could, Erin pulled off her clothes and shimmied into the nightgown before taking care of her evening grooming needs and giving herself a small smile of encouragement in the mirror. "You need to focus on talking and not kissing her every chance you can, Erin. This is an opportunity that will only happen once, you can't afford to fuck it up," she said to her reflection as she brushed her hair. Finally satisfied with how she looked, Erin let out a long breath before leaving the bathroom and heading back into Alex's bedroom.

The woman had already changed herself, and Erin sighed a little to see that what she was wearing was slightly diaphanous, which would not lend itself well to thinking pure thoughts during the night, and she tossed her brush into the bag before setting her clothes on the dresser, not wanting to dig through them in the morning to get fresh clothes. "I'll be right back," Alex said as Erin climbed into the bed, trying to remember which side of the bed Alex usually claimed, and deciding to just take her own usual side. She had just made herself comfortable when Alex returned, and she gave the woman a small smile as she patted the empty spot next to her. "You're on my side."

"Well, I am comfortable now, so I guess you'll have to deal with it for one night?"

Alex chuckled as she made her way over to the bed, settling down next to Erin before turning onto her side and looking at her. Erin copied the motion, reaching out to rest her hand on the dip of Alex's waist as she stared into her eyes. "I think that I need to know one thing before I kiss you again, Erin. If Dave hadn't married Krystall, would you have still come to me?"

"Yes." She knew that her answer was quick, and Alex frowned a little at the alacrity of it. "He had the choice to come with me into the Program. And it was easy to move past him because we did have that closure in New York. But the one thing that I knew, whenever I allowed myself to think of you, was that I missed you."

"I missed you, too." Alex leaned in and kissed her gently before returning to her former position. "Why did you choose now?"

"You were retiring, I was tired of being alone, and I needed to know if I meant anything to you any longer. While I loved kissing you in front of everyone, I would have been content with just picking up our friendship once more. I thought that that was all that I deserved from you, because I had lied for so long to you, and to myself. My kids knew that I was in the Program, because I couldn't live without them, but it was easier to remain dead to everyone else."

"Are you going to contact anyone else?" Erin shook her head quickly. "Really?"

"Yes. The only other person I might want to tell is Ms. Garcia, and she's no longer with the Bureau, so it would be awkward to reveal my presence to everyone else and have her not know." She began to tear up once more, and looked upwards as she blinked, trying to stave off those tears. "I know, it probably doesn't make sense, but you were always the only one who mattered enough to tell."

Alex nodded as she slid closer to Erin's side, close enough so that their foreheads were touching, and she sighed a little as she felt the woman's breath wave out across her face. "I'm glad that you thought I mattered enough to tell. Um, I noticed that there's a stack of letters in your bag, addressed to me?"

'Yes. I wrote to you a lot while I was away. I used our last conversation, before John hurt me, as a jumping off point, and poured my heart out to you. I know that you want to talk, but I'd rather you read the letters first, since they're more honest?"

"Because you were always able to be honest in your writing. You micromanaged everything around yourself, Erin, and I don't think I realized that until the end of our relationship. Because for the first time ever, you couldn't control everything, and it broke you." Alex began to card her fingers through her hair, and she nodded a little before biting her lip. "I broke you, and I blamed everything on you."

"I was the one who fucked you over. I was the one who didn't speak up when I could have fixed everything."

"We both made mistakes." Erin nodded as she finally started to cry. "Oh, Erin."

"I know. I cry so easily these days." Alex nodded before kissing her softly as her hand slid down Erin's back to cup her bum, their legs quickly becoming entwined as they exchanged soft kisses. "You look so beautiful," she breathed out as their kisses ended, and Alex gave her a crooked smile as she shook her head. "You do. I love that you've let your hair go silver. I think I'm going to be blonde until I wake up one morning with white hair, just like my mother did."

"You have more laugh lines on your face. I love seeing evidence of your happiness."

"I have a lot to be happy about. It's in one of the later letters, but my oldest, Karen, she had a baby three months ago, and he is a delight. Though I wasn't too pleased with the fact that they named him Gideon."

Alex burst into a fit of giggles as she pulled the covers up around them. "You didn't try to dissuade her?"

"How? How could I tell her and her wife that the name they had chosen was one that had a lot of baggage for me? I think of him as Gid, a lot, which makes it easier. In the morning, I'll show you pictures of them. Before I head home."

"What?"

"I'm intruding here."

"No, Erin, you are welcome here. I'm spending the next two weeks here with my dad, and then heading back to Boston. Or to you. But we have two weeks to see which will be the better choice for me. Even if I know what my heart is telling me. For the first time, since James left, my cracked heart feels whole. And while I won't say that it's instant love, it is a gentleness that I've missed." Alex kissed her once more and Erin sighed against her lips as she allowed her eyes to close, hanging on to this sweet moment in time for as long as she possibly could.


End file.
